“Church hurt” refers to the emotional or psychological pain that individuals may experience as a result of negative or hurtful experiences within a religious or church community. This term is often used to describe situations where people have felt betrayed, mistreated, or let down by fellow church members, leaders, or the church itself.
Church hurt can potentially lead to trauma, although not everyone who experiences church hurt will develop trauma. Trauma results from experiences that overwhelm a person’s ability to cope and can have lasting effects on their mental and emotional well-being. In some cases, church hurt can be traumatic if the experiences within the religious community are severe and deeply distressing.
Trauma resulting from church hurt may manifest in various ways, including symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as flashbacks, nightmares, anxiety, and depression. Trauma can also impact an individual’s trust in others, their sense of safety, and their overall mental health. The severity and long-term impact of church hurt will vary from person to person. Some individuals may be resilient and able to recover relatively quickly, while others may struggle with the effects of the hurt for a longer period, potentially leading to trauma.
Recognizing Two Types of Trauma Resulting from Church Hurt
Dr. Jim Wilder, in his book Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You, points out a few critical ideas we will reference in this article. First, processing emotional pain and hurt with family, friends, or professional therapists is viewed as suffering. When a person processes their pain alone or internalizes it in isolation, that pain and hurt will transition into emotional “trauma.”
Should trauma result from hurt caused by a Church community, Dr. Wilder also categorizes two types of trauma: the “absence of good things” that were necessary but not present, and the “bad things that happened” that shouldn’t have—each reducing one’s emotional capacity and well-being. Think of these as Trauma A (absence of the good things we needed) and Trauma B (the bad things that happened to us that shouldn’t have).
Trauma A is much like a flower that needs certain nutrients—sunlight, water, and caretaking—to survive and thrive. Without the necessary elements that produce healthy growth, the flower will be impaired at best. Similarly, a plant suffering from Trauma B may encounter violent storm damage, insect interference, soil toxins, or getting accidentally crushed.
Unlike a flower, a person can heal from Trauma B relatively quickly with one type of intervention. However, Trauma A may not heal as quickly, and it may take an extended period with multiple, frequent, and ongoing types of intervention to bring wholeness.
Understanding the Right Intervention for the Appropriate Situation
Let’s take a moment to distinguish the specific and necessary interventions between Trauma A and B so that everyday disciples of Jesus can understand what can become a complicated subject.
Starting with Trauma B, this type is healed solely through the direct intervention of Heaven the moment Jesus brings His grace and truth to a situation from the past. In other words, a person’s memory cannot be “healed” per se. Instead, one’s memories of horrific events and tragedies often lack Jesus’ complete narrative of where He was in that moment and how He feels about it. Our brains are designed to help make sense of data and arrive at a conclusion—a conclusion that now includes Jesus’ narrative, thoughts, and interactions that complete and bring Truth to the traumatic event.
Without Immanuel (God with us) entering the story and completing the narrative of where He was in those moments, spirit to Spirit, healing cannot take place. Without this kind of healing, those suffering from Trauma B are left with an incomplete account that leads to devastating long-term consequences. Many healing ministries today exist to help others overcome Trauma B, but what about Trauma A intervention?
Trauma A intervention is quite different and has two distinct components. The first is that God Himself is intimately involved by providing a family wineskin/ecosystem for individuals to connect with that can supply the essential ingredients to heal “the absence of good things not received” in years past. Secondly, “securely attached” family-type relationships must also exist, which is key to this type of healing through the creation of love bonds. This is what the Bible calls a type of love that binds everyone together (Col. 3:14).
The most important difference between Trauma A and B interventions is that God chooses to limit Himself by bringing wholeness in a way that requires partnership with a family on Earth. A plant that does not get sunlight or water through the basic laws of agriculture will not thrive, let alone survive. Likewise, human-to-human, securely attached bonds of love are the required antidote to heal Trauma A—and this may take years to complete. Offering a simple prayer for God to unilaterally heal Trauma A without the involvement of family and healthy, loving relationships is insufficient.
Healing in Family Neutralizes Church Hurt
This last statement can be difficult for some. They will object strongly, saying it’s most important to know the Bible, identify deception, practice spiritual disciplines, live by faith, and grow closer to God in spirit and truth.
There’s no argument against those things—they are absolutely good and essential. However, these practices are incomplete aspects that won’t produce a demonstrative, tangible culture of love that is Biblically required. For we are made in God’s image, and God is love. How well are we loving Him and one another to the point that the world notices and says we are disciples of Jesus?
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” — John 13:34–35
The bottom line is this: loving others well is a skill that requires intentional training and development within a family context.
Dallas Willard noted that “psychology is the care of souls. The care of souls was once the province of the church, but the church no longer provides that care. The most important thing about the care of souls is that you must love them.”
Dr. Jim Wilder and his colleagues have charted Maturity Indicators that simplify the personal, community, and family tasks necessary to provide the “good things” required throughout the five developmental stages of life: Infant, Child, Adult, Parent, and Elder. They masterfully identified the necessary relational and developmental skills that lead to emotional maturity—and ultimately to loving and securely attaching to others in a way that reflects the heart and character of Jesus.
When the family of God, in partnership with God, embraces practicing these relational skills with individuals who may have had gaps or “orphan pockets” growing up, Trauma A healing will ultimately manifest and multiply.
Church hurt exists mostly from the absence of good things that are essential relational elements within a spiritual family context. These basic elements include the following Biblical concepts:
- Building joy (that feeling of being genuinely glad to be together despite differences, circumstances, or beliefs, and valuing the relationship).
- Bringing peace and comfort when others are overwhelmed and hurting.
- Serving one another in how each person is uniquely designed in Christ.
- Repairing well from relational rupture.
- Creating an atmosphere and culture of celebration, honor, and preferring one another.
When these things are not part of discipleship teaching, training, and modeling as a way of doing life together within a Christ-centered spiritual family community, Church hurt will ensue. Over time, and left unaddressed, this becomes untreated trauma for those trying to put language to ongoing pain and frustration despite practicing healthy spiritual disciplines.
Pursuing relational skills training that creates bonds of love and secure attachments is paramount to mitigating and healing Church hurt. If others do not become more aware of Church hurt healing—or better yet, preventing it—this type of hurt will continue to leave a long trail of people hurting within the Church, leaving the Church (but not Jesus), and not coming back.